Thursday, July 16, 2009

Watch this...

... I mean, really watch all three Gatti/Ward fights back to back, but since that takes way too long on a computer instead, just watch this.



Tell me that this guy isn't a real life Rocky.

I gotta make sure never to date a 23 year old Brazilian stripper. Yikes.

Arturo Gatti

Out of all the recent deaths lately, this one actually got me in my gut. I tried to never, ever miss an Arturo Gatti fight. He wasn't the best, but he was the fuckin' BEST, if that makes sense. I'm pretty sure if you liked fighting or were raised in Northern Jersey, you were required to be obsessed with Arturo Gatti. Being that I fit both categories, he fit me like a glove.

Anyway, this article from the Star Ledger by Jerry Izenberg says it best:

To understand the impact the tragic death of Arturo Gatti in Brazil on Saturday has had on so many people in this state, you have to know that going in, New Jersey was, is and always will be the state of long-shot dreams, of hard knocks, high hopes and getting off the deck for one more shot. In every facet of what makes this state what it is, this is the state of a Puncher's Chance.

It has always been this way. In urban enclaves, no matter how they change, no matter the ethnicity or the skin color or the economic status. Nobody has to remind us.

''The Puncher's Chance.''

It is the mantra of this state's psyche as it struggles to overcome the ''Rust Belt'' Burden. In other slices of geography they succumb to the awful dirge of the Rust Belt Blues. Here we respond with the code of The Puncher's Chance. And the fire in that determination explains who we are and why we do not store our dreams away in the closet.

It explains how the son of an Italian immigrant, who, himself, became an immigrant from Montreal, touched the emotions and the heartbeat of those North Jersey cities that still have neighborhoods. Gatti wasn't fancy and he wasn't quick. What you saw was what you got.

He was, pure and simple, a living example of ''The Puncher's Chance.''

Listen to coach Bob Hurley, who was born and raised in one of those enclaves. The sound of his voice could pass for the music of North Jersey's cities. He can explain the legend of Arturo Gatti:

''People have dreams. So do neighborhoods. They were his people. You look back when you grow up and you remember the toughest kid on the block and years later you think, 'Well, he made it. Why not me?' So you keep on trying. In so many ways, he is what we are sometimes, back on his heels, bleeding, hurt and then coming back again because he would not yield his Puncher's Chance.''

Try Carl Moretti, the matchmaker for so many of his fights:

''He was my friend. It was like if you really needed something no matter where or what time, he'd be there for you. He's the guy I would have wanted in my foxhole whether the other guys were coming with guns or dynamite or tanks.

''He was North Jersey. He came from another country but he was one of us and they knew it. When he got hit, they got hit. When he bled, they bled. And when he won, they won. He was their kind of guy. Before the Mayweather fight we had to do a studio shot with HBO so Pat (Lynch, the manager), and Buddy (McGirt, the trainer) and Ted Cruz (the conditioner) and I are standing in front of his apartment house and this limo about the size of a battleship pulls up and he says, 'What's that?' Pat says, 'It's for us,' and Arturo says, 'Not any more.' Arturo walks over to the driver and hands him 200 bucks and tells him, 'This isn't us. Take the day off.'

''Then he gets in his car and we get in and he drives, no retinue, nobody to hold the door and patronize him, just friends like always. We get to the tunnel and the (Port Authority) cops and toll-takers all recognize us and they are shouting, 'Hey, Arturo, you gonna beat that guy?' To them he wasn't a star. He was more than that. He was Arturo from the block.''

As a case in point, after the third Micky Ward fight, he was still bleeding when he walked over to the press conference. Lynch held the door open and Gatti grinned and slammed his hand against it, screamed and pointed to the blood near his eye. Lynch looked at mob of Gatti aficionados and blurted ''Jeez, Arturo, you want to get me killed?''

That was Arturo Gatti.

But what was Gatti's hold on urban New Jersey? How did it happen?

For Arturo Gatti, it began like this. On June 10, 1991, his manager, Pat Lynch, turned him pro at the Meadowlands Convention Center against an older guy named Jose Gonzales.

"I looked across the ring and I saw him and I was like, 'Oh, man.' I was scared to death," Gatti once said. "Here was a guy fresh out of the can with a ponytail and tattoos all over his body. I was a teenager. I never saw anything like him before in my life."

But in the third round he caught Gonzales with the kind of left hook for which all the tough-guy ritual trappings in the world have no answer.

And so it began.

Actually, he insists it began long before that. When he was 8, his immigrant father, Giovanni, would take him over to Gentile Cafe in Montreal's Little Italy, stand him on a chair and say, "Here he is, look. Look at him closely. One day he will be a champion."

This is the same kid who got very good grades at Louis Joseph Pepino High School and told his teacher he wanted to drop out and fight for the Canadian amateur team. She thought of all the immigrant kids who needed education so badly and what they were up against and wanted to help, so she sent him to the principal.

When the principal heard that, he told Ida Gatti to tell her husband to put his foot down and stop their son from watching all those "Rocky" movies.

"I wasn't a wise guy," Gatti once told me. "I even tried night school later on, but it wasn't for me. My father made me go to work for him as an electrician. I wasn't very good. Hey, I was terrible. If it weren't for boxing, I could have been responsible for burning down half of Montreal."

So this is the way it was when Gatti left Canada and came to Jersey City and morphed into the neighborhood kid who swallowed Atlantic City's Boardwalk Hall. You could walk down the boardwalk on Gatti fight night and, if you came from Newark or Jersey City or Paterson or Bayonne, every 50 feet, you saw somebody you knew. They were not only headed for a fight; they were headed for a reunion.

Boardwalk Hall belonged to them. They were his home team ... from the rafters to the floor seats ... from ringside's $750 seats to the $50 section in nosebleed heaven ... the joint was packed with Jersey guys and Jersey gals who had come to see a Jersey fighter in his element.

He was transplanted from the St. Leonard Italian ethnic section of Montreal to Jersey City in what seems like another incarnation, but he owned this state from the Delaware Water Gap to Cape May ... from the tank farms along the Jersey Turnpike to the rolling hills of Sussex County. He was the athlete who carved out a blue-collar autograph with his sweat and his blood.

This was a neighborhood guy who flipped burgers for pay days after he left Canada for Jersey City. He gave every blue collar in this state Jersey boxing the way it used to be ... Jersey boxing as it once was in Newark's old, rickety Laurel Garden and Meadowbrook Bowl and down the road in the Elizabeth Armory and in places like North Bergen's Embassy Hall along the way.

Even when Arturo Gatti was the main-eventer, he still fought with the passion of a club fighter ... the honest workman who never checked his hunger at the door just because life was easy and he had a world title. He fought a puncher named Micky Ward three times in matches so brutal and so passionate that they could have fought inside a pay telephone booth.

If you were there you will remember, and thousands, who were not, will say they were there as well.

The details of his murder are horrific. But in time they will not be how he is remembered. He will be remembered as Arturo from the block, laughing, caring and most of all, as the man who always kept his and their ''Puncher's Chance'' alive.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Magic Box of Stories: THE JEFF LEE EDITION

Hello everyone -

As many of you know, I've spent the year taking the stage at the UCB Theater and telling true stories from my life. My mom co-stars in the show with me and mocks my adventures via the magic of video.

This Friday at 11 PM I'll be reprising the show, telling a great batch of embarrassing and fucked up stories from my life. But this is a very special show, as I'll be joined not by my mom on video, but my friend Jeff Lee live in person.

Jeff and I have been friends for over a decade. I lived with him for a big chunk of college and I can think of few human beings who have seen me while at my most depressed and crazy phase of life. His insights into these stories will probably make you laugh and make me really sad, as it will be an illuminating look at how I lived and behaved back in those days. Also, I'm going to try and get him drunk, so his comments should be completely uncensored.

I really hope you can make it. The show is this Friday, 11 PM, at the UCB Theater. You can make reservations at www.ucbtheater.com or by calling 212-366-9176.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Whoever it was...

... has contributed one other thing to Wikipedia, and it was a non-comedic contribution about a bus crash in Bulgaria. Fascinating.

To whomever...

... has taken it upon themselves to fuck with my wikipedia page, adding things such as:

"He is currently working on a text entitled Rapacious But Not Yet Smelling, based on his own childhood experiences as a newspaper delivery boy who had no sweat glands."

and

"Gethard is a graduate of Rutgers University and a big fan of darts superstar Peter Manley."

... you are hilarious and I hope you continue.

I wish I knew who it was.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Perhaps the greatest video of all time?

Sometimes you meet people in the comedy scene and just hit it off right away, but it's rare. That happened with me and my friend Joe Mande. Sometimes I'm like "I wonder why Joe and I clicked so quick."

Then I see him make something like this and I realize exactly why.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I only need one more signature tattoo in my life



I'M COMING FOR YOU, BECKY BUCKWILD.

I walked a pace behind him at the soundcheck, he was just the same as I am!

... is paraphrase of a lyric in one of my favorite songs by the Smiths. Now, I assume if you are on this blog, you know I'm a fan of Morrissey, if only because of the name of the blog. I won't get too melodramatic about it, but Morrissey is literally the artist that I hold closest to my heart. Not only is his music amazing in my eyes, but the principles he puts out in that music have influenced me greatly as both a person and a performer. Morrissey's music has at some of the worst times in my life been the last crutch that I have been able to lean on. I even stole the guy's haircut, for Christ's sake.

Anyway, last night Moz played the Jimmy Fallon show. I have some friends who work there so I called in (begged?) a favor and got tickets to the show. I was hoping to hang out backstage to meet Moz, but wound up sitting in the seats. At a certain point, I was like, "Oh well, guess today ain't the day I meet the man."

Then at the end of the show, my friend grabbed and was like "You can leave through the V-VIP exit in the hallway," and me and my buddy Nick Mougis ran out there.

Nick and I are both huge Morrissey fans. I've been friends with Nick for like nine years now, but our bond became something really special when we drove from LA to NYC together in 2004. We were talking about it yesterday and we listened to Morrissey's solo album "You Are the Quarry" at least fifteen times in its entirety during the trip. Now we have this sort of unspoken unbreakable spirit that comes from such an experience.

Anyway, I'm standing there getting all nervous, wondering if Morrissey left before I got a chance to meet him. But then I see his guitarist, Boz Boorer, walk down the hallway. Then his other band members joined Boz and this growing entourage and I realized that even though he wasn't in view yet, "Holy shit, Morrissey is right there."

After a few moments, he comes around the corner. For some odd reason, I had chosen to lean against one wall by myself while literally everyone else was against the wall across from me. So this means that Moz's whole posse gets on the other side of him to block him from dozens of people - and he's literally going to pass four inches from me. Like, he is about to bump into me in the crowded hallway.

As he passes, I quietly lean over and say "Morrissey?"

He stops and turns.

"I'm a huge fan," I continue. "Would you mind signing my arm?"

I hand him the opened Sharpie I had ready just for this opportunity.

"Of course," he says, all gentle and quiet and shy, in other words, Morrissey-ish.

He starts to draw his name on my arm, really concentrating and taking his time.

"Your songs have had a really profound effect on me," I tell him. "I can't thank you enough."

"Hard to believe," he says. I grin. (Later, Fran points out to me - Did he mean hard to believe that they've had an effect on me? Or hard to believe that I can't thank him enough? Oh, Morrissey, you fucking wordsmith. I'm amazed you are that good in person.)

"Believe it or not, it's true," I say, smiling at him. He smiles back and hands me my pen.

I stand there shaking, and Nick and his buddy Chris who works on the show are across the hall, grinning at me. Nick's taking pictures on his iphone.

"I have to get that tattooed on my body, right?" I say.

Then Chris says the best thing ever to me.

"Well, your only other option is to not get it tattooed on your body, and you're not doing that."

And that is how last night I came to get Morrissey's child-like signature permanently drawn on to my right shoulder.






Monday, March 23, 2009

The Bus Tour

I keep meaning to write something here about the Bus Tour. Either I'm still processing it, or I'm lazy. You decide. Some thoughts:

1. I can't believe we pulled that off. From the inception of the idea to the execution things moved pretty fast. That Purnell is really something else.

2. It hit a certain point where I realized that I was consistently standing in a room with 54 other people who were experiencing something completely different than what I was. I don't think that's ever happened to me before. This feeling was most pronounced while I was standing in the basement of my childhood home looking at dozens of other faces that had no connection with the place. I am amazed at how much smaller my house is than I remember it.

3. I drove down to Rutgers for the two weekends before the trip to organize things. I am still surprised at how walking around New Brunswick makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

During the tour, I was laughing when I overheard two of the guys on the trip talking about all the random garbage they saw on peoples' front lawns. After the tour, I was delighted to see someone post a picture of the house I lived in sophomore year. Their comment delighted me. It was along the lines of "I am ashamed to say that during Gethard's stories of how depressing Rutgers was I assumed he was exaggerating. This was the point when I realized he wasn't at all."

During one of my planning walks, I was amazed to stand on the steps of Brower Commons (the Rutgers dining hall) and hear this conversation between two Asian girls walking past me:

Asian Girl 1: Solemnly shakes her head.
Asian Girl 2: "I really just can't spend any more fucking time feeling like I don't even exist."

I had only been back on campus for fifteen minutes.

4. I don't know why this hit me, as I generally try to avoid schmaltziness, but I started to wonder why people wanted to be there at all. Some for the joke, some to be able to say they went. But then I got to wondering if there were people there for anything that cut deeper than that. I'm still not sure. But I specifically started to think about how many of the people coming were younger than me, and in fact the same age I was when the bulk of my stories took place. It became important in my mind for me to offer up this experience specifically for these guys, because if any of them feel like I felt at that age, I wanted them to be able to see firsthand what I experienced and that I turned out ok. I know that is incredibly melodramatic, but it's true. Don't know if that was even on anyone else's mind, but it became a motivator for me.

Mostly, I just wanted everyone to laugh and have a good time, and eat disgusting food. Mission definitely accomplished on the food front.

I am in the planning stages for the next one. I think I'll switch a few things up, but I'm aiming for summer.

Just to keep harping on it...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Holy shit there is fucking video of it.

I was just reading about the show on Morrisey-solo.com and saw someone saying they posted a video that only had one stage invader on it, "the one in the green shirt". Then I said to myself "no fucking way" and clicked on it then said "NO FUCKING WAY".



I run away like a mutant!

A Dream Fulfilled

Last night Fran and I went to see Morrissey in Montclair, New Jersey, around the block from my old apartment. We met our friends Nick Mougis and Matt Pack out there and headed to the venue. We'd been joking the whole time about how we had to get on stage (it's a tradition at Morrissey shows that people jump on stage and try to hug Moz.)

When we got to the venue, we saw that it was both small and full of lots of middle aged people, many of them housewives. This looked good, as it meant we would be able to push to the front pretty easily, which we did.

During the encore (First of the Gang to Die), Pack and I separated from the others and wound up way up front. We were chagrined to see the barrier was chest high, and the corral between it and the stage was four feet wide. I turned to Pack and said "Looks like we're gonna have to start throwing people."

He went to grab me. I said "Not me. Not yet." We grabbed the guy next to us and threw him over the barricade. Security descended on him.

Then Pack grabbed me. Mark, a kid I've known for a long time who's come to a ton of UCB shows, appeared out of nowhere and helped hoist me up. I crouched to time it, and as Morrissey turned back in my direction, I leapt and they launched me. It was the perfect throw. The crowd helped coast me up front and as my body reached the front of the stage, probably the best thing that will ever happen in my life happened.

Morrissey reached out and grabbed my hand. I held on for dear life and looked him dead in the eye and shouted "I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you."

Then security dragged me down and I ran away to enjoy the rest of the concert from the back.

Looks like I have to upgrade my Morrissey goal: Get him to sign my bicep so I can have his signature tattooed on to my body.